You think you love him but you don’t even know him.
You just met him at orientation and you thought he was fine.
To you he’s a man. Older than the high school boys you’re used to but younger than father or uncles. He’s not your brother.
So you to you he is perfect for you, a youngin’ on the journey to becoming grown.
He’s grown. He’s perfect.
Dear freshman, this senior is not perfect, and to be quite frank if he’s showing interest in you from jump it’s not love, you’re just fresh meat. Someone who doesn’t know him, his reputation. You’re a clean and eager slate. Perfect prey.
But no one can tell you that, you’ll have to learn for yourself.
When he gets your number and ya’ll text and talk and facetime and shit and meet up late night in the library or you come over to Netflix and chill.
No one can tell you this isn’t real when suddenly the movie is just background noise and there ya’ll are, doing things your mama said was meant only for grown folks.
You’re grown now. Your mama would be sick if she knew. Your dad for sure would be ready to beat his ass if he found out.
But you’re excited, and since you can’t tell your parents you tell your “friends”. “Friends” who are really just the group of girls who live in your dorm or were in your orientation group.
You don’t know these girls. And another quick spolier- you won’t fuck with none of these bitches four years from now in the spring when this whole college experience is said and done.
But right now they’re you’re “tribe”, and you tell them every detail.
Of how he’s 21 and cool enough to buy ya’ll a bottle. Maybe even let you smoke his weed.
How he has his own apartment off campus that he shares with 5-6 other dudes.
And how he made you feel like a woman.
And while you’re caught up in the rapture these people will be caught up in the chatter.
Not too long afterwards he’ll text you saying ya’ll need to talk, and he’ll ask to meet you somewhere in the dark.
He’ll tell you to keep ya’ll on the low. He might even have the audacity to say keep his name out of your mouth.
And you’ll be confused.
You thought love was blooming.
But what feels like a semi-truck hitting you in the stomach is really the anxiety hitting you letting you know that what you thought this was … wasn’t.
It’ll make you immediately want to put up walls.
To not let anyone in.
But don’t do that.
Instead, approach these men and these friends with caution.
Keep loving but listen to your heart. Listen to your spirit.
Give things time to reveal themselves.
Give love time to reveal itself.
9.19.19 1:17 am
I’m a Taurus so I can be a bit stubborn. Actually I don’t like to say stubborn, I prefer to say “firm in my beliefs” but whatever.
Anyway, I say all that to say that some people may interpret that as cold. Carless. Heartless. A bitch. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m actually a very caring, loving, concerned, etc. individual, but at the same time I don’t take any shit.
Again, saying this to say that I fall in and out of friendships. Not ‘cause I’m flaky, but because my “stubbornness” rubs some the wrong way. And I’m not a chaser. Never have been. If you wanna run Imma let you.
Not because I don’t care, but what’s the point? If you want to walk right out of my life I’m gonna let you. I’m not Monica, I’m not gonna write you a whole song begging you to reconsider and give me another chance.
I’ve had a few folks who walk out of my life leave then talk shit. It stings. Not particularly that they talk shit, but the fact that I know what I did for them.
Aside from being a stubborn, loving, firm, and caring person, I’m also a giver. I share a lot of my shit with people. Whether it’s time, money, my home, whatever, if you’re in need and I’m your friend I’ll either give you some of mine or help you find out how to get whatever you need. Ask any friend of mine (who hasn’t gotten pissed at me lmao).
Anyway, that’s what stings. Knowing how I tried to care for you and you just walked right out of my life and want to act like I did absolutely nothing for you. That shit stings.
Eventually most of those folks realize they miss me. Whether it’s my vibe, what I did for them, or they just realize they were being petty, 99% of the people who fall out with me end up coming back around.
From friends to lovers, they call themselves not fucking with me anymore, blocking me, unfollowing me, the whole nine. Then maybe weeks, months, and even years go by and suddenly I get a friend request or follow or a text or comment on Facebook from the person who supposedly “deaded” me.
And me being the chill Taurus I am I don’t make a scene. I’m cordial as shit.
And I think it stings for them.
I’ve learned that just because you don’t sweat stuff people do to you doesn’t mean you forget it all together.
I know how to handle you now. I have to keep you at a distance. Just cause I’m cool and not cussing you out or subbing you on social doesn’t mean we can ever go back to how we were.
We can’t. We won’t.
I forgive pretty easily but I’ll never forget. I can’t. It’s toxic to do so.
I say all this to say that while I don’t believe in holding grudges, people show you how you should treat them. And if we have a dramatic ass falling out/breakup or whatever, just know that you spoke your piece then, and I heard you loud and clear.
So I wish you the best, from a distance.