i thought i loved you as a lover. but came to find i loved you more as a friend.
i manifested you.
it was sudden. i saw you. i wanted you. i yearned for you. and then the next thing i knew i had you.
you taught me that sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you want at all.
and that sometimes you don’t get what you want, but what you need.
i wanted a lover and by getting you i learned that what i really needed was a friend.
you taught me how beautiful Platonism can be.
it can be even more fulfilling than romantic love.
our conversations were always the best. they were always so full. they were always so pure.
i appreciate that you wanted nothing more from me than time. how you honored that time by not wasting it with games. you appreciated and valued my time and made every second that we together amazing and fullfilling.
thank you to the friend i didn’t know i needed but that i found in you.
i think you mean more to me than you even know.
i don’t even know why you mean that much to me.
i think it’s because your words were sweet. you poured them onto me like honey. and you meant them.
you always gave me special moments in time with you.
when chaos was going on around us you would create space for just you and i.
when the rest of the place was talking about nonsense you wanted to have deep conversation with me.
you always acknowledged my presence when i didn’t even know you saw me. you wanted me to know that i was seen.
you cared so deeply about my feelings. i never knew why.
all i know is that i appreciate all of those times.
all of those words. all of that visibility.
it gave me the confidence i needed to love myself. to feel beautiful.
you let me know that i was beautiful in your eyes and beyond.
i still feel beautiful because you.
hey you. you came out of no where.
i don’t even know the moment that our flame sparked.
it was like one day i opened my eyes and we were on fire.
i think it was the conversation. it always happened in passing during the day but it was always intriguing.
you called me alluring. at the time i wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by it but in retrospect i think you simply meant you were feeling me. i was silly. thought you were just trying to be slick.
either way i find you intriguing as well.
and when i fell on hard times you were there. immediately. ready and willing to help me in whatever way i needed … even in ways that i didn’t know i needed.
those sleepless nights and long days when my mind and heart were full you where there to help me unpack and unload some of the things i was going through.
you were the one who would tell me to hop in the car so we could go for a drive to clear our minds and talk.
we’d pull up to my favorite spot. or a favorite spot of yours that you wanted to share with me.
you were always watching out for me. always. even when i didn’t want you to. you would appear to give me just what i needed.
you loved me in one way. i loved you in another.
we never loved each other in the same way at the same time.
i think if we did we would together. probably married.
but obviously those aren’t the plans the universe had for us.
but just know that i felt you. i felt you feeling me.
you hold a special place in my heart always and forever.
when i think of love and people that i’ve loved you’re one of the firsts that come to mind.
as much as i hate to admit it, you were a season in my life that i needed to go through. a roller coaster of emotions that taught me that things can go from sweet to sour real quick. and that no matter how much love you show a person if there’s something about you that they don’t want to love then they just won’t.
i was there despite your flaws. not that i didn’t have my own but you struggled with things that had most people turning their back on you. i wasn’t one of those people. and you appreciated it for a while. it’s what made us close.
i understood you better than most. and even though i got you, you showed me a lot of things. you put me on to everything from music to vibrations and i am forever changed by that.
others found you strange but i found you beautifully fascinating. i don’t know that i ever said it or realized until now that maybe that was something you would’ve liked to have heard.
still. we lived in a different world, you and i. we lived in a space where things that mattered to the rest of them didn’t matter to us. it was comforting.
and then out of no where it went from exciting to exhausting.
emotionally we got to a place where we leaned too far into each other and now we needed each other to stand.
that wasn’t healthy.
and as i got on my feet you fell flat. and i felt bad and you got angry. resentful. vengeful.
we went from being totally wrapped up in each other to hating each other just like that.
someone i loved became someone i feared.
that shit is wild.
i had to run as far as i could from you. i feared for my life. i feared for your life.
the distance between us allowed you to heal and me to blossom and find others whom i could love just as much as you.
we were never the same.
and while we haven’t talked for years i still think about you from time to time.
i hope you’re still healing well and without scars.
i know that i am.
i’m not angry anymore.
for a while i was angry at you because you confused me.
you had me confused. you had me doubting myself and morals and my beliefs. wondering whether i was making the right decision for myself.
in retrospect i was. i always was. there was never anything wrong with the decision that i made for myself. there was never anything selfish or immature about it.
if anything, you showed your immaturity by not supporting me. by making me feel as though i were crazy.
in all actuality you were nothing but you were THAT one who almost made me lose myself. who almost made me compromise everything. who almost changed the course of my life for what probably would have been the worst.
i don’t say this to call you a bad person though. honestly, it’s not as though you are some devil who sets out to ruin lives. we just were not yolked. and it was not meant for us to try and force something that should’ve never been. it was me that walked away and you were in your feelings about it. that’s only natural. i don’t think you meant to do me harm.
i’ve long since moved on. i’ve long since learned. but when i think back on the people who have impacted me up until this point in my life you are one. you were a major lesson and someone i needed to learn from.
i’m not sure what happened to us. or why. or really even how.
i just know that one day i woke up and we were not the same as we had been in the days before.
we took a pause that has lasted years and now i wasn’t even sure what to say. until now.
sometimes i miss us. what “us” was i’m not sure but i know the feeling and the feeling was good.
sometimes i miss the talks we had. the unraveling of layers. the heart to hearts. the realness and the truth that we shared with each other that we didn’t share with anyone else.
we trusted each other. we loved each other.
whether it was real or maybe i just saw and felt what i wanted to see and what i wanted to fell i’m not sure. that was back during a time where i wasn’t sure of much. i was finding myself. in the midst of finding myself you were there to make the discovery a bit more interesting and enjoyable.
it’s been years and while we have yet to cross paths again i wish you the best out there.
it’s not that i want the old thing back. it’s not that i want us to make up, or find closure, or whatever.
you’ve come to me in my dreams a few times lately and i’m not sure what it means. but i want you to know that there is no ill will or wishes coming from me to you. only joy. i’m rooting for you from afar and i can only hope that you’re doing the same.
i honestly don’t see it in the stars for us to re align or for our footsteps to walk side by side again.
i just want to send you joy. and happiness.